Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's not cheating when I paid for it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
