apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
