WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
