Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
These tits shall not be calmed
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
