just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
