If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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