I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
