who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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