A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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