when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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