Please, let me fuck your mom
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
