dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
