everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
