I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
