Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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