So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
