so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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