i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
