she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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