New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
