I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
