So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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