So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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