so explain again why im purple
no
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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