I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize