I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
