here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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