Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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