My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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