I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
