Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
