Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
