oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The best revenge is premature balding
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
