Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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