it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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