Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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