I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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