census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
