If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
