I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
