I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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