Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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