i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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