The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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