well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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