Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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