This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
