me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
