Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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