Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
