i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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